The Power of Habit–And Making Your Bed (Guest Blog by Todd Shirley)

This week’s post comes from returning guest blogger, Todd Shirley. Todd is a talented writer with a wealth of knowledge to share. I hope you are inspired to leave a comment or engage in conversation after reading this post. To learn more about Todd, please visit his biography at the end and check out his blog here.

—————————————————————————————————————————

The Power of Habit–And Making Your Bed

I have a habit of talking to myself. It has lead to some embarrassing situations. One time at a job I worked in high school, co workers, customers, and my bosses stopped business briefly to share a communal laugh at this habit.  As I cleaned the large windows of the shop, the sun was at my back and reflected onto my eyes. I couldn’t see into the store while everyone could clearly see me wiping the windows and pantomiming an argument I was having inside my head.

As an adult, nothing gets me talking to myself more than when I read a good non-fiction book. In a weird way, I live the facts that I pick up from it.  The Power of Habit: Why we do what we do in life and business by Charles Duhigg is such a book to trigger this habit several times over.  I highly recommend it.

The following three points from the book are my favorite. I have also shared  how they relate to me.

1: Habits are inevitable because our brains RELY on habits:

Nothing makes the brain take up more energy than novel experiences. To move an experience into the realm of a habit offers the brain a tremendous cost savings for its resources.

Consider this point in terms of dialing a new ten digit phone number. I estimate there are over thirty steps involved. Each number has to be recognized, located on the dial pad, and double-checked for accuracy. To dial a familiar number, your brain doesn’t approach it in several steps; it approaches it as one movement of your finger.

In my day to day work I encounter middle schoolers from foreign countries. I’ve heard time and again that their day is eight times more tiring than students who are familiar with the school district, speak English and understand our customs.

2: We operate under the influence of keystone habits:

Keystone habits are habits that dictate other habits.

I struggle all the time to eat breakfast before work.  While reading the book, I decided to begin focusing on making my bed before work instead of preparing breakfast. In doing so, I found out I had more time before work than I realized. This led to frying up some eggs and eating them.  After about the fifth time doing this, I thought I was on to something.  Regularly now I eat breakfast about four times a week but no longer make my bed.

3: Habits don’t go extinct, they get written over:

I haven’t touched a mountain bike in years but feel pretty confident I could hop on one and make my way down the street.  The habits necessary to ride my bike are still there but were written over by habits relevant to driving my car.

The book, The Power of Habit, has many implications for an individual’s life as well as how organizations work.  I found it rewarding and encouraging as it seems to lift the veil of mystery that often covers up human behavior. I hope I’ve piqued your interest by writing about my personal experiences as they relate to this book.

Anyone care to venture a guess about what I do now instead of talking to myself?  Leave a comment with your best idea and I’ll reveal the answer…

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Todd Shirley works full time as a school counselor and carries a caseload of clients who are in the foster care system. When he is not working, he is reading, working out, cooking Paleo and discussing all that is arbitrary about life. Oh-and his favorite animal is the manatee. Todd is an incredible guest blogger with a wealth of knowledge to share. I hope you are inspired to leave a comment, engage in conversation or visit his blog having now read this post. You are always welcome to share your thoughts below!

 

Examining the Foundation of Effective Teamwork (Guest Blog by Todd Shirley)

This week’s post comes from returning guest blogger, Todd Shirley. Todd is a talented writer with a wealth of knowledge to share. I hope you are inspired to leave a comment or engage in conversation after reading this post. To learn more about Todd, please visit his biography at the end.

————————————————————————————————

Examining The Foundation of Effective Teamwork

I am convicted about my work. I show initiative. I am highly motivated to promote positive change for my student’s learning and home environments. I hope to empower educators and parents through consultation to effectively work with adolescents. I consider myself well read on counseling related materials and special populations. I often boast or complain about my 65 hour work week entrenched in counseling related work.

This does not mean I am a good team player.

Teamwork is hard for me.  It’s also a fact of life. Professionally, I stand with a foot in both education and human service;  EVERYTHING I do is through the vehicle of an education team or service team.

Ayn Rand was not cut out for either field.

Recently another hectic school year came to an end. I used my time off to reflect and ready myself to face another summer filled with teams.  What resulted is a new understanding of teamwork that I describe as the following:

1. Delegation Is An Opportunity To Encourage

Team projects can be difficult experiences for me as I tend to embody a “if it’s going to be done right, I have to do it” mindset.  Now I see teams and group projects as an opportunity to demonstrate trust and encouragement through delegation.  Delegating allows others to reach a goal.  Helping others reach goals was exhilarating this year.

2. It’s Valuable To Pay Attention To Resentment

I recently found myself talking to people about how I resented one of my school teams. This team deals with student concerns but looks to me with facial expressions that seem to say “isn’t it your job to care about these things?”  It goes without saying, I feel it’s the team’s job to care about student concerns.

Three helpful insights came from paying attention to my resentment:

1. My inability to let things go.

2. My inability to say “no” to things.

3. My inability to accept people for where they are and not be angry with them for where they should be.

The last insight was powerful because I try to nudge everyone I work with to reach a point of acceptance about others and life circumstances.

3. Teamwork Can Be The Kitchen That Makes Good Humble Pie

This school year’s end of year faculty meeting provided the inspiration for this post. Faculty meetings in my building often involve a lot of tangents and side chit-chat. This year, everyone fell notably silent as a co-worker (and team member of mine) shared information I had put together.

“10% of our students were referred to our student assistance team this year. Of those 10%, 25 students had to miss school due to illness or death of a parent.  14 were referred for non-suicidal self injurious behaviors etc…”

I was taken aback as I realized the information had to come from her for it to matter. If I had presented (which I enjoy doing), I would have been dismissed. As disheartening information related to our individual students came from a fellow teacher, people received it readily. Apparently, things can get done without me. Fork please!

Looking Ahead

I believe passion in my field can either prevent or cause burnout.  I hope to do this kind of work forever but if I am an ineffective team member, I don’t know if I can.

If I can approach teamwork as an opportunity to encourage others, establish trust, and embrace humility,  it’s only going to help students, families, and educators embody this approach too.

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Todd Shirley works full time as a school counselor and carries a caseload of clients who are in the foster care system. When he is not working, he is reading, working out, cooking Paleo and discussing all that is arbitrary about life. Oh-and his favorite animal is the manatee. Todd is an incredible guest blogger with a wealth of knowledge to share. I hope you are inspired to leave a comment or engage in conversation having now read this post. You are always welcome to share your thoughts below!

 

I’m an “I”—Understanding the Inner Workings of an Introvert

One week ago, I would have considered myself an outgoing, social extravert…but that was before I saw the results of my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. According to this highly regarded test, I’m quite an introvert. Should this really come as a surprise to me? I mean, I did choose a career in which I work by myself 90% of the time. I hate talking on the phone, often answering voice mails with emails. And I only check-in with my own family about once a week. Yet, there’s so many ways to identify someone as an introvert that are far more common and far less socially awkward than what the generalizations would have you believe. We’re not all hermits, we aren’t necessarily shy and we can still be the life of the party. So what really does define an introvert? I can only speak for myself and am by no means a psychologist, but these are some of my own qualities which may help explain why Myers-Briggs calls me an “I.”

I get my energy from being alone. This took me the first 20 years of my life to really identify. I couldn’t figure out why I would go to a party, have a great time, but after so many hours – like the flip of a switch – feel an even greater desire to go home. I’m very much a social person and enjoy interacting with people, but as an introvert, it requires a great deal of my energy. Once this energy is depleted, I want nothing more than to be some place familiar and alone. I need to decompress. Because both my office and my work schedule are flexible, I recharge during the day and appear much like a social extravert when I’m with family and friends in the evening. The only time I ever really notice my need for downtime is when I don’t get enough. It’s not that I can’t function when this happens, I just might be a little less energetic and a little quieter.

It might be ridiculous to consider a cat a close friend, but with a face like this who could resist?

I have a few, very close friends. In both relationship and proximity, my “closest” friends are Scott and my cat Pinot…compounded by the fact we all live together. Rather than having many broad friendships, I prefer to put my energy into fewer, but deeper ones. Who I’m closest with at any given time may vary, but my number of close friendships remains fairly consistent. One of the most difficult aspects of being an introvert is that I don’t have a need to be around other people. That’s not to say I don’t like people, but I just don’t need to have daily social interaction to thrive. Because of this, I can go weeks, months even years without seeing someone who I consider a really close friend. To me, closeness isn’t dependent upon frequency of seeing each other, but to my friend – especially one who is an extravert – this may make the relationship feel distant and out of touch. This is something I’m trying to make a better effort to overcome.

When I spend time with someone, I like it to be substantial. Closely linked to my statement above, when I do set aside time to be with someone, I like it to be for several hours, if not more. It’s not in my personality to “drop by just to say hi” or “swing by for a quick drink.” If I’m taking the time to get ready and go somewhere, I want to stay for more than a few minutes. For the longest time, I envied people who could just casually hang-out with friends, watching TV, going shopping, picking up a bite to eat. They made it look easy when everything I pulled together had to be so structured and formal. I now realize that as an introvert, I’m not inclined to casually hang out because for me it’s an energy loss not an energy gain. So when I do spend time with someone I like it to be substantial because it’s not likely to happen as frequently as it does for an extravert.

I’m more thought-oriented than action-oriented. Another way to put this is that I do most of my living internally or mentally. I thrive in a work environment that’s completely serene – no people, no noise, no artificial light. I’ve been told this is unrealistic and like working in a vacuum. I don’t disagree; it’s just how I work most effectively. I can and have worked in other environments that were quite the opposite. I still accomplished my tasks, but I never felt like I was working as efficiently as I could if I were alone. Another good example of these differences is to ask someone what they like to do on vacation – a time often dedicated to relaxation. An extravert might enjoy sight-seeing, exploring the social nightlife or taking part in a lot of activities like surfing or jet skiing. For me, a relaxing vacation is a book and the beach with plenty of personal space and no agenda. By the 5^th day, sure I’m starting to crave some excitement and that’s the point. When I come back from vacation I’m completely recharged and ready to tackle whatever life has in store.

The bottom-line: My experience of better understanding my own personality through Myers-Briggs has also given me a better understanding of the personalities of those around me. I’m now able to see that many of my frustrations with someone often stems from us not understanding or respecting each others’ personalities and why we can both experience the same situation, but process it differently. You would think I would have understood the “everyone’s different” concept long before last week – and I thought I did – but there’s so much more to it than that.  Rational behavior and right answers are completely subjective to each individual person and how they would handle a situation. The goal should not be to make someone believe your viewpoint, it should be to meet them halfway.

 

Quarter Life Crisis As An Indicator of Differentiation (Guest Blog by Todd Shirley)

The following blog post is part of the Bennis Blogger Battle. Support Todd by “Liking” this post, leaving a comment and sharing it on your social media! The blog with the most hits, wins. (I should also mention that Wednesday March 7th is his birthday–so be sure to give him some extra love!)

————————————————————————————————

While presenting a workshop and working late, a close friend from childhood sent me an email that hinted at the hidden influence his loved ones continue to have over his career decisions.  While reading it,  I felt confused at how such an independent soul could be stuck in an unsatisfying career.

As a self proclaimed “counselor nerd”, who loves both of his jobs, I felt the best way to understand his predicament was to think of it in terms of a continuum (counselor nerds love continuums). At one end of this continuum sits enmeshment- the process of moving close to an individual or group. At the other end sits differentiation- the process of recognizing you are separate from others and their expectations. People cycle through periods of enmeshment and differentiation throughout their lives.  It’s also possible to experience them simultaneously in a paradox that is always difficult. Career development is the stage for which this paradox plays out in two dramatic ways.

This paradox manifests in an ugly manner when people take a prescribed path while recognizing they resent doing so. Ever hear of a mid-life crisis? People who don’t untangle this manifestation of the paradox at their quarter life crisis end up with a mid life crisis.

The other manifestation of this paradox is much prettier.  I’ve seen it play out with loved ones when they moved across the country to take a new job despite a dramatic drop in salary and prestige. Their career shifts were expressions of being differentiated from outside influences. This prevents the mid life crisis.

My friend’s email outlined themes regarding going through the motions of work and his reservations about pursuing a line of work he wants. With the continuum above, his job struggle is clearly linked to a familiar identity struggle. There are some points I’ll quote in an effort to illustrate his concerns in the context of our friendship:

1. Money will always be of concern to me. The last thing I want is to burden my friends and family because I am broke and can’t make it.
Reading it took me back to a difficult two year chapter in my own life.  My wife and I were differentiating from each other. I was intensely afraid that our inevitable split would burden my family.  Through hours of conversation- where he was sincere and genuine- he helped show me I’d be OK and my family would too. If he’s broke, I could care less.  He and I have had great times in our adult lives without money.

2. What monumental thing have I accomplished while unemployed?

The time unemployed he references in this rhetorical question was a period of 5 weeks. He was looking for work because he had to move due to his wife’s career. His self consciousness overshadows his hard work.  He ran his first marathon in under three hours and thirty minutes. Built an amazing desk. AND found a job with improved pay and working conditions over his last one. If those three things aren’t monumental, I’m not sure what is…. I don’t think I’ve done anything like that in the last year while employed.

In times past, he’s proven himself to put time in at a job he hates to pursue new heights. This time for him is no different from any other identity struggle he’s pulled through in the past.  His loved ones are waiting for him to make his move…

Todd Shirley works a full time as a school counselor and carries a caseload of clients who are in the foster care system. When he is not working, he is reading, working out, cooking paleo and discussing all that is arbitrary about life. Oh-and his favorite animal is the manatee. Please support Todd by “Liking” this post or by leaving a comment below!

Oh–and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Todd!