Would You Ask a Man That Question?

A real life snapshot from my life as a work-from-home mom

A few weeks ago I was asked a question that I initially didn’t hesitate to answer. It’s actually a question I’ve been asked on more than one occasion, so I felt prepared to defend myself with an explanation. The question was, “How do you plan to balance work with a family?”

It’s not an unreasonable question, right? It was asked in a light-hearted way by a new client who, I truly believe, felt like they were going through any normal paces of qualifying someone to be their new PR consultant. The board voted unanimously in my favor and I ultimately got the job. Sometime later, a female colleague of mine, who was also at that meeting, brought up her frustration that I had to answer such a “ridiculous” question. She picked up on the (not so subtle) sexism of that question that I’ve come to view as normal as a female business owner and working mom. Her point was clear. Would you ask a man that question? No, no you wouldn’t.

Picture a man being asked “How do you plan to balance work with a family?” during a job interview. I envision a bewildered look come across his face as he responds “What do you mean?” He would likely ask for clarification before he felt compelled to offer an explanation…an excuse, really. Meanwhile, I had my “excuse” locked and loaded because it’s one I’ve had to provide time and time again. Sometimes I even voluntarily offer it up as I can see the look of concern come across a client’s face when they learn I have two young children, one of whom stays at home with me 5 out of the 7 days of the week.

“When do you have time to do work?”

That’s another common question. I used to be proud to answer this with a description of my highly disciplined and efficient schedule that is required for raising a family, keeping up with the house and growing a business. But now I see that I was defending myself from society’s disbelief that I can be a mother and a business owner – and do both well.

I’m not angry or outraged at these questions. I hold no grudge against the people who asked them. Rather, I’m shocked by my own numbness toward sexist remarks made to women entrepreneurs daily. I’m sad that I allowed myself to feel guilty, even for just one second, for “balancing work and a family.”

It is without question that a woman most often gets the lion’s share of work and responsibility when it comes to raising a family. Rather than questioning her ability to work and parent, congratulate her, offer encouragement and be flexible with your demands.

How refreshing would it be to instead hear “I know you have a young family. It’s wonderful you’re pursuing your passion. We will flexible, as we know family comes first.”

I’m fortunate to work with understanding and encouraging clients who not only know I am a hybrid mom, but see it as a badge of honor. They know when they call me there’s always a chance you’ll hear a babbling baby in the background or that I may need to reschedule a meeting because I’ve got a sick toddler. But as a mother, I also know how to power through a challenge and multi-task like it’s an Olympic sport. If you want something done, give it to a busy person. And if you want something done quickly, correctly and with every distraction going on around her, give it to a mom.

Have you ever been asked a sexist or unfair question? Share how you responded, or wish you had responded by leaving a comment!

 

How to Work From Home with a Child

Sometimes food is a necessary incentive to keep the kiddos quiet long enough to make a phone call!

Working from home can be hugely beneficial to growing your business, increasing efficiency and saving money. Where things can get tricky is if you’re not the only one at home during the workday. Yes, I’m talking about those pint-sized “coworkers” called children that can’t yet understand the difference between work time and play time.

For some parents, balancing work and childcare from home is the only way they can make it all happen. If you’re among the lucky ones who can enroll your little one in caregiver program at least 2 days a week, even if just for a 3-hour block of time, you can get a ton done in these golden hours! But what about the other days when your child is home with you like snow days, sick days or holidays? These seem to pop up during the most inconvenient times, turning what should be a simple work task or conference call into an extremely stressful balancing act.

The good news is with a little creativity and flexibility throughout your day, you can indeed find balance in this work situation. Here are some tips to make working from home with your child a success!

Create Fun Activity Kits for Your Little One

Even if you only have a few hours’ notice that your little one is going to be at home with you on a workday (i.e. a stomach bug or big snow storm), you only need a little time to put together some activity kits that will keep those tiny fingers busy (and independent of your attention) as you tackle your most important tasks

For example, bust out the play dough and give them an “assignment sheet” of the shapes or objects you want them to try to create. Create a “craft kit” with all the necessary tools and ask them to create something specific, like a birthday card for a relative. Another idea is to assemble a dress up box with fun clothing items and accessories you have lying around the house (bonus points if it’s something they haven’t seen before!). If you have multiple kids at home, create a contest for the best costume that you will judge once you’re off your call or done with your project. Don’t forget about educational DVDs! Sure, some people may try to make you feel guilty for all that “screen time,” but when you’re in a pinch and just need an hour or so of peace and quiet, you do what you have to do!

Block Off Time for Undivided Attention
Have you ever been wrapped up in an assignment, trying to concentrate, but your toddler is literally tugging on you and begging you for some attention? This is when you know it’s time to take a short break from your computer or phone and give some undivided attention to your little one. Take time to get down on their level and play with your toddler for a while. Yes, this is time you aren’t getting work done, but by investing even just 20 minutes or so into making your kid feel noticed and loved, your reward will be a content child that is happy to play independently again until you can return to him or her.

Utilize Family

To say it takes a village to raise a child couldn’t be more accurate! When you have a young family, you quickly realize the importance of trusted family and friends who live close by. If you can foresee a big project coming up at work or an assignment that will need your full attention, don’t be afraid to ask for help with your little one

A family member, neighbor or friend who is willing to take your child on a walk or simply be an extra set of hands for you in the house, if worth their weight in gold! Not only will you feel calm and at ease while getting work done, your child will also enjoy some one-on-one time with a new “friend” who will make them feel like the center of their world. Even if you don’t have family nearby, build a network of friends and fellow moms who are willing to help you out in an emergency situation. You never know until you ask! I have found people are more than happy to help out a busy mom and give her a few well-deserved moments of peace.

Do you ever have to balance work and childcare on the same days? Share your personal thoughts by commenting below!

 

 

A Working Mom’s Guide for Achieving Work-Life Balance

This week’s blog shares the personal perspective of Bennis Inc employee, Danielle Gouger. Danielle is our PR assistant and photographer and balances the unique challenges of life as a working mother. Learn more about Danielle here!

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A Working Mom’s Guide for Achieving Work-Life Balance

As a newly single mom of a four-year-old spunky little girl, I began working from home in January of this year, and I am still learning each and every day how to achieve work-life balance.

Transitioning from my former position as a photography studio manager where I worked almost every weekend, many late evenings, and was always on call to support to my team, I find working from home and setting my hours has enabled me to re-prioritize and find a better work-life balance.

I was afraid, after leaving my photography position, that I would not be able to find a career that I was passionate about that would still allow me to be the mother I wanted to be. I am so thankful and grateful at this time in my life to have landed a job with a local Public Relations company that is led by a working mom now of two little ones, who understands and has worked hard to balance motherhood and entrepreneurship.

This new position offers me the creativity I need to thrive in my career and also the flexibility to work from home so that I can spend more time with my daughter. But it’s important to note it takes organization and time management to make it all work! Here is my guide for achieving work-life balance as a working mom, based upon my personal experience thus far.

Get Focused

Balancing work life and personal life means being effective with the time you have to work. Simply put, I don’t allow for distractions! Concentrating while working from home can sometimes be challenging with all the distractions of wanting to do other things, so it’s important to treat work time as sacred.

After I drop my daughter off at her daycare down the street, I come home, turn my laptop on, pour a second cup of coffee, and get started with my work day with checking my email. Now is the best time for me to get focused and dive right into my workday tasks. Having a great work environment is proven to facilitate productivity, so when working from home, it is important to create and maintain whatever type of environment helps you focus. I have personally found that having a designated office area in my home has helped me to be more focused and separate my work and personal life.

Schedule, Schedule, Schedule!

I’ve always been a planner, but once you have children it is so much more important to plan and keep a schedule, not only for yourself but kids need a routine, too! The most beneficial tool I use in my everyday life, besides my cell phone, is my calendar. Penciling in appointments, meetings and activities, really gives me a realistic view of my time. It’s important to factor in driving distance between places!

Also, you need to allow enough time to settle into an activity. For instance, when I take my daughter to daycare in the morning, it takes us some time to say our goodbyes to make sure we are both comfortable with her acclimating to her day. One final element I like schedule in my day or week is catch up time. This allows for life’s unexpected moments that, even with planning, can and do happen with work and especially when raising a four-year-old!

Prioritize

Watch for patterns in your day. Are you more productive in the morning or the afternoon? This is an important question to ask yourself when prioritizing your day and week.

I personally get more accomplished in the morning. So in my case, I try and tackle harder tasks in the morning as that is when I get my best work done. I also try to maximize my time by breaking down my day into smaller, bite-size tasks. Doing this allows me to get a lot more accomplished and to stay focused on the task at hand.

When it comes to household chores and errands (yes, they’re a necessary evil), I try and write a list for the week and pick two things to accomplish off my list each day. This prevents these responsibilities from piling up over the week and overflowing into my previous “family time” over the weekend.

Finally, as a single mom trying to balance work and life, you can sometimes forget to prioritize yourself. It’s important to take even 20 minutes for yourself each day, whether that’s catching up on a favorite TV show, going for a walk, or simply sitting in peace. Taking that little time for yourself allows you to be more available and present to do everything else you need to do as a working mom.

Close Down for the Night

There is a saying “every day has a new beginning,” so I believe there should be an end to every night. It is important to try and accomplish as much as you can off your daily to-do list to prevent these tasks from flowing into the next day and making tomorrow more overwhelming than it needs to be.

I try to get my workday accomplished by 5 o’clock now, so that once I pick my daughter up for the day I can focus the evening on her. Right before leaving the house, I will once again go through my emails to make sure I haven’t missed anything and then close down for the day. Once I pick her up, we will occasionally run a small errand or I will complete a household chore before supper. Except for Tuesdays; this is a night fully dedicated to her as she goes to her gymnastics class that evening and I love to be there and watch her in her element!

I now make it a priority to sit down with my daughter for dinner, and the rest of the evening we spend quality time together before bath and bedtime. Once my little one is sound asleep, I will give myself some time to read a book or catch up on a favorite show, as I have learned you deserve some “you” time the close the day. We work too hard not to reward ourselves with this! Finally, as important as it is to close down for the night, on Friday’s after I wrap my day up, I try to close down from work for the weekend, and leave what can wait to Monday.

How do you achieve balance as a working mom? Share your personal thoughts by commenting below!

 

What My Toddler Has Taught Me About Motivating People to Say Yes

It’s our inherent nature to want people to do things our way – to say yes to our every request. There’s no better living example of this than a toddler. My son, going on 3, has learned there are few things in life he can control. Thus, he makes it his daily mission to find out exactly what those things are by answering nearly all of my requests with his own request to do the opposite.

What this experience has given me, in addition to an incredible amount of patience, is a crash course in human psychology. Though I don’t win every battle with my son (there are days we forgo a bath and allow him to leave the house wearing a crazy mismatched outfit), I have learned that the tactics that have proven successful can also be carried over into my adult relationships.

Here are five pieces of advice I have learned from my toddler about motivating people to say “yes.”

Start small

It’s easy to overwhelm someone (thus turning them off to your request), by approaching them with too large of an ask. You have to start small to earn their trust and to ease them into the idea of a bigger “yes” in the future.

When my toddler first wakes up, asking him to immediately go to the bathroom, brush his teeth and get dressed will surely induce a meltdown. Rather, I start by asking for something small to “warm him up” like having him find his favorite toy or helping me pick out a shirt. With a series of small asks, we achieve the same goal but with far less resistance.

Be specific and direct with your ask

If someone is unsure as to what you’re asking or if you leave anything to interpretation, you are far more likely to get a negative response. Be clear and direct! Not only does this show that you are confident with your request, it establishes you as a trusted leader that people want to follow.

My (almost) three-year-old son is still working to grasp the English language. Being specific and direct is the only way I can really get my point across, so I have learned the value of keeping things simple. My requests can be no more than a few words and I have to clearly align them with their consequences, should he not comply.

Clearly outline the unfavorable outcomes

Speaking of consequences, another important lesson I have learned is that you have to clearly outline any and all unfavorable outcomes if you want to increase your chances of receiving a “yes” answer. This is not to say you should employ scare tactics or stretch the truth, but rather you have to help people visualize the cons of not following your direction. They often won’t do it on their own.

With my toddler, he simply doesn’t realize that life has consequences (I suppose the same could be said of some adults). So it’s important I emphasize that should he continue to jump on the couch, for example, he will likely fall and get hurt. All he can process is that jumping on furniture is fun. It takes me reminding him of the unfavorable outcomes to help him see my reasoning for stopping this behavior.

Anticipate why there might be resistance

Anyone who has spent even the smallest amount of time around a toddler will know that they are quick to resist anything – often merely for the sake of resisting. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned to help encourage a “yes” response is to anticipate what resistance may occur and address it before it begins.

The same is true for how we handle our adult relationships. If we ask someone to do something, we also need to be aware of all of the reasons they may not be fully convinced to comply. This may have to do with money, time, motivation, fear, uncertainty. Then, we need to work to alleviate this resistance by providing adequate information to support your case for saying “yes.”

Offer reassurance

Finally, we can motivate people toward a positive response by offering reassurance throughout every step of the process. With my son, it’s important I maintain his trust and respect if I wish to get him to continue to do as I request. Though a parent-child relationship is more of a dictatorship than a democracy, you don’t need to rule with an iron fist. I have found that kindness, patience and small rewards (when deserved) go a long way toward keeping a peaceful home – and helping me move through the day with far less battles.

This advice proves true in adult relationships as well. People are more willing to do something for (or buy something from) someone they like. Put effort into building and maintaining positive relationships and you will be in a far better position to motive someone to say “yes” than you would if they didn’t like or respect you.

Do you have other wisdom to share about motivating people to say yes more often? Share your thoughts and insights by commenting below!

 

Parenthood: Adjusting to the Ever-Changing “New Normal”

On August 4, 2012, my definition of family changed. Newly married, my family became me, my husband and one particularly ornery cat. We worked to re-establish our daily routines as we learned each other’s habits and quirks. Our staggered steps turned into a beautiful dance and eventually I couldn’t remember what life was like before it was “us.” This was a precious, but fleeting moment in our lives as my definition of family soon changed…again.

On May 11, 2013, I held my baby boy in my arms for the first time. For most of the world, nothing had really changed. But for me, nothing would ever be the same. I mean that truly in all aspects of life. I’m not too proud to admit that parenthood was (and is) like being stripped of everything normal and familiar and launched into a new world where all the skills I had relied upon to be successful up until this point became completely irrelevant. Those first few months, I felt just as lost and overwhelmed as a newborn – oh the irony in that!

This new, little family struggled to again establish our beautiful dance around one another. Just when we overcame one hurdle (yay, he’s sleeping through the night), another popped up in its place (what child cuts fourth teeth at once). With every milestone, we established a “new normal.” Date nights turned into Friday evenings spent at the park, romantic dinners were brought home in a takeout box and bedtime was rarely after 8:30pm – for anyone in the house.

As a creature of habit, I loved every routine we have had as a family – because it was familiar and it was ours. It was never too long until we again had to pivot into a new normal. Travel schedules, illnesses, moving into a new home and changing seasons all brought about necessary change to which we adjusted.

And another big adjustment is right around the corner…

In no more than a few weeks (I’d like to think a few days), we will welcome another bundle of joy into our home and our routine. Our new normal will shift again…substantially. I waver between moments of excitement for this change in our lives and moments where I question our sanity for opting into another momentous challenge. Our family’s current routine is nice. It’s safe and it’s predictable. We have established a pretty beautiful dance – yes, a dance that includes meltdowns, potty training and comprise, but a beautiful dance indeed.

Luckily life gives us a nine months heads up that such a change is about to happen. Not many other circumstances in life afford us such preparation, nor do they promise such joy. As I struggle to fit as much as I can into every day leading up to the birth of our second son, I have found that life has a wonderful, and at times, frustrating way of slowing us down to absorb what we might otherwise miss.

The past few weekends, our little family has enjoyed more undivided time together than I can recall in recent history. I captured a picture that will forever define our current normal – as it is right now, but will never be again. As much as I never want to leave this moment, life has taught me again and again that the new normal that lies ahead is the best one yet.

Whether you are a new or veteran parent, can you relate to the ongoing struggle of adjusting to the “new normal?” Share a personal story or piece of wisdom!

Our “normal”…for now.

 

The Working Mom/Stay At Home Mom Hybrid

The day I started my own business, it became my first baby. I devoted my time and energy to watching it grow and take on a sustaining life of its own. But in May 2013, it was no longer my sole priority. As we welcomed our first son into the world, I knew that my life as an entrepreneur would gain one more layer of complexity. People were both curious and concerned as to how soon I planned to return to work. The honest answer is that as soon as I stepped foot out of the hospital and through our front door, I was back at work. Of course I slowed the pace considerably for a few weeks, but by June I was running at full speed.

We live in a world where people want things to fit nicely into little boxes, but my career has never packaged up so neatly. Becoming a mother didn’t make me any less of an entrepreneur. I’m sure some wondered if I would continue working or if I would just transition into a Stay At Home Mom. I had moments where I wondered the same thing. Now over 5 months in, I’m proud to raise some eyebrows when I explain that I am both a Stay At Home Mom and a Working Mom – I am part of a growing generation of Hybrid Moms. As a Hybrid Mom you truly work two full time jobs. It’s not a part time gig or a hobby on the side. It’s a full time workload and an equal source of income for your family. I’m fortunate to have the flexibility in my schedule to take on both responsibilities and to have clients who understand my commitment to also serving as the sole caretaker for my son during the work day.

Defining your career as a mother has become a hot button issue and one that I’ve seen argued from many different viewpoints. Now that I wear both hats, I’ve become emotionally invested in this topic and am discouraged to see such strong accusations and hurtful generalizations being strewn about. Many women are choosing to become Stay At Home Moms and in an effort to mainstream this career choice, have put down other women’s choice to work. I am most bothered that these choices are made to feel mutually exclusive, like you aren’t a full time mom if you choose to work. As a Hybrid Mom, I don’t get to turn off my motherly responsibilities just because I have a looming project deadline. If Holden needs me, I’m always on-call.

My mother worked a full time job while raising three kids. She didn’t have a cleaning lady, cook or personal assistant to run her family’s errands. She was all of these things, plus she worked outside the home for an additional 40 hours per week. As a child, I never felt I lacked time with my mother either. She had a home cooked meal for us each evening, helped us with our homework, was involved in our activities on the weekends and she even stayed home with us many days that we were sick from school. One argument supporting the Stay At Home Mom claims that their job is to be the CEO of the house. I don’t disagree. I only wish to make the point that my mom was every bit the CEO (and a fierce one at that) while working full time. You can do both and be both – they’re not mutually exclusive. The growing number of Hybrid Moms brings hope that we are beginning to realize this and that we have enough support to give us the confidence to make this choice if it’s right for us.

By definition, yes, I am a Stay At Home Mom. I take care of my 5-month old son full time (this also includes being his sole source of food). But I am a Working Mom too. I provide a range of Public Relations consulting services for anywhere from 8-12 different clients on a daily basis. In addition to these two full time jobs, I still have time to attend weekly networking meetings, write for fun on my blog and hit the park at least once a day. You may wonder what I sacrifice to “do it all.” It’s not mental or physical health—I run 20+ miles per week with yoga scattered in between. It’s not sleep – we all get 8+ hours per night (with our cat, Pinot getting quite a few more throughout the day). We have a clean house, fresh groceries and clean clothes. I’ve even chosen to go the route of cloth diapers and making my own baby wipes, which certainly adds a few extra steps to our daily routine. It’s quite often that I get the response, “Well you’re just not normal.” I find this to be the most offensive of all. I feel what I accomplish in any given day is very “normal” and attainable with merely organization and discipline.

My life is not perfect – there are absolutely days when I feel like this balancing act may all come tumbling down. I’m fortunate to have a husband who is supportive and involved. It’s teamwork that makes raising our little family possible. Because I’m a Hybrid Mom, I can attest that each career has its own unique challenges and rewards. I’m fortunate to do both, but I won’t say that it’s luck. It comes with hard work and determination to make it work. The best we can do for each other is to support our decision to do what is right for us and our family. For some, one career is quite enough. For others, we may enjoy balancing a bit more. Whether our title is Stay At Home Mom, Working Mom or Hybrid Mom, the most important word comes at the very end – and no matter what, that means we have the hardest but best job in the world!

Monday afternoon at the park with Holden

 

The Life Lessons of Parenthood

Until now, my sole focus has been on nurturing my business, growing relationships and enjoying married life. I had more than enough time to pour into hobbies, passions and leisure. Don’t mistake where this is going. I enjoyed this chapter of my life – every day of it, but I also knew I was ready to experience something more than just myself and my business. I was ready to experience parenthood…

Just a little more than two months ago, life provided us with the greatest gift we could ask for – a healthy baby boy. As I am sure every parent can relate, he is our personal pride and joy. He is also where we pour nearly all of our love and time right now. Though I am far from a seasoned mother, I have already learned quite a bit. This knowledge is nothing I could have anticipated, but has had a great impact on the way I view life, family and even business. Here are the ten life lessons parenthood has taught me in two short months:

It’s possible to multiply time.

I’ve always been efficient with my time, but parenthood has taught me how to do this to an extreme. It’s amazing what I can get done during a single nap hour. Procrastination is a luxury that simply doesn’t exist in our house anymore. I know that whether it’s household work or client work, now is always the best time to do something because I’m never quite sure when my next free moment will be.

You will cry over spilled milk.

When you feel like you’re always racing against the clock to accomplish as much as you can in the least amount of time, even a minor set-back can trigger a meltdown. And as any mother knows, every ounce of milk represents energy, time and nourishment for your little one. When milk spills, you will most certainly cry over it.

Give yourself 30 minutes more than you think you need.

Having a child is the ultimate excuse to be late. Anyone with kids is extremely empathetic to the fact that the most unexpected things can and will come up. But parenthood didn’t override my need to be on a schedule and run as close to on-time as possible. I’ve found that no matter how well I have my day planned, an extra 30 minutes can always be used. Before, when I would plan for something taking 5 minutes, I know it’s more likely to require 35.

When rest finally presents itself, you will learn to fall asleep within 15 seconds.

Free moments are hard enough to come by, but an even harder task is deciding whether you should catch up on work during this time or catch up on your zzz’s. Sooner or later, the desire to sleep will outweigh all other options and when it does, you will learn to close your eyes and doze off in a matter of mere seconds. Before parenthood, it would take some TV and tossing and turning to fall asleep, now it just takes closing my eye lids.

The little things will become the biggest things.

Never did I think watching someone raise their head or kick their legs would illicit cheers and praise. But as a parent, watching your little human grow right before your eyes is absolutely exhilarating. This has taught me that life’s smallest moments can create the biggest memories. It’s all relative to what that achievement means to each person – and to a mother, I am easily awe struck by these milestones.

Patience can be learned.

I was never a patient person and long ago I let go of the idea that I would ever somehow morph into one. I thought it was a virtue I simply didn’t possess. Above all things, parenthood has taught me a whole new level of patience. Before, I would easily become frustrated when things took longer than I anticipated or didn’t go exactly as planned. Now, I find myself calling upon a new level of calm to overcome such situations – often with a joke and a smile.

Progress is always two steps forward, one step back.

As sleeping patterns slowly begin to stabilize and feeding times spread further apart, I look forward to every ounce of progress we make. But these small victories aren’t a straight line of progress; rather it’s more like two steps forward, one step back. Some days I feel like I have this whole parenting thing down and other days bring me to my breaking point. Whether today turns into a good day or a bad day, I do know one thing for sure—it won’t last more than 24 hours and tomorrow can and will be completely different.

There’s no room for ego.

Just weeks ago, the thought of singing, humming or cooing in public would have made me feel nervous and awkward. Now, I make silly faces and funny noises so regularly I hardly notice whether I’m in front of a crowd or not. Parenthood has taught me how to be utterly goofy all in the name of child entertainment and to never mind what anyone else thinks about it.

You are always being watched.

Long before children can do anything else, they can watch. I have no doubt that my every movement and every sound are being recorded by a very impressionable mind. My actions will only continue to be studied with each passing month and year. If I wasn’t one before, I am certainly a role model now – and this means 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Life is a precious miracle.

Above any other life lesson I could anticipate learning, this one carries the greatest impact. I always felt that I had valued life, but never until I became a parent did I realize just how miraculous the gift of life truly is. Parenthood has given me a profound appreciation for life at all ages. I feel so blessed to have a healthy, thriving child. Watching him get to know the world day by day will become the greatest memories of my own life.

Meet the newest partner of Bennis Inc, Holden Scott Shirley, born May 11, 2013